I Think I Have Cervical Dystonia

In which your muscles cramp up and twist you into awkward and painful positions

Symptoms:
– neck pain                                 -facial contortions
-head shaking                             -loss of motion range
-abnormal posture                     -spasms
-tilted head                               -contractions
-twisted neck                           -pain

If you think of cervical dystonia as an extreme case of writer’s cramp that, instead of causing your hand to cramp up while writing letters, manifests itself as severe muscle spasms of your neck, face, and upper chest pulling your head and shoulders into abnormal, painful positions and twisting your facial features into a grimace, then it’s really not so bad. If anybody asks you why you look so bizarre, with your shoulder hunched up high and head twisted to the side at an angle, you can just tell them you have writer’s cramp of the body and everyone will have a good laugh (except for you, because laughing is too painful and may lead to more contractions)

Spasms will come and go, usually brought on by specific movements or stress, but almost certainly vanishing completely just before your doctor appointments, leaving you to try to explain your situation to a nodding but unconvinced physician. Eventually, the contractions may become permanent, leaving you twisted in place.

This is an idiopathic disease. It has no cure.

OH. MAH. GAWD. I have cervical dystonia

…or maybe I just slept wrong last night. I did pass the fuck out on the couch for a good seven hours…

Nope. Definitely cervical dystonia.

***Disease break-down and general humor care of Dennis Diclaudio’s The Hypochondriac\’s Pocket Guide to Horrible Diseases You Probably Already Have


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