I Think I Have Kuru

In which you actually will die laughing


-Lack of coordination        -Headaches
-Tremors                                   -Joint pain
-Slurred speech                   -Depression
-Sporadic laughter             -Incontinence

Have you ever laughed so hard, you swore if you hadn’t gone to the toilet a moment before, you would be peeing yourself?

Have you ever laughed so hard, you couldn’t breathe?

Then you must have eaten the flesh of a deceased family member and, in the process, have now contracted Kuru.

Kuru is a incurable degenerative brain disease caused by a prion found in humans. It is characterized by the sporadic bouts of laughter one will exhibit if he has contracted the disease, primarily due to the body’s severe spasms and the emotional instability.

Symptoms start off innocent enough: unsteady stance, slurred speech, lack of muscle control. In short, sickness on par to a night of heavy drinking. Then, more serious symptoms kick in: depression, emotional instability, flu-like symptoms, and terrifying headaches. In the last stage of the disease, sitting without support is impossible, there is no muscle coordination whatsoever, the inability to speak sets in, as well as incontinence and the inability to swallow. You will get sores with pus and necrosis.

And you will be laughing your fucking head off while it happens, too

This disease was made famous by the Fore tribe of the Eastern Highlands Province of Papua New Guinea in the mid 1950s. Mostly women and children were affected by the disease, as they were the ones put to the task of cleaning out the dead of their tribe. They also tended to get the least attractive cuts of the human when the tribe ate the deceased members (the men got the better cuts because they had to go out and hunt. Bastards)

There is one way to prevent Kuru. Do NOT participate in ritual funeral cannibalism. I know it’s disrespectful to decline that tasty, raw brain inside that dead head of your second uncle twice removed, but you have to make up an excuse. You had a big breakfast. You’re off of brain for a little while. You had some bad Chinese the other night and it’s not settling right. Say whatever you have to. Just don’t eat that brain


I have Kuru

Or maybe it’s these:

….yep. Definitely those. Can’t recall eating anybody in the past few years

Unless that chinese pork was actually human being



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