I Think I Have Cornu Cutaneum

In which you grow a horn, not like a goat, but more like a rhinoceros 

Symptoms:
-itching                         -skin growths

-tenderness                        -warts
-skin discoloration        -horn

Doesn’t it always happen at the worst time? Your big job interview. The crucial first date with that cute girl from the gym. That indictment hearing for massive corporate fraud. You think you’ve got everything under control: the right suit, reservations at a trendy Thai restaurant, falsified expense accounts. Then you look in the mirror on the big day and – boom – you’ve got a horn on your face

Since horns can sometimes grow to several inches in length, they’re pretty hard to cover up. You can try to explain that it’s just a hard, dense, pointy overgrowth of keratin (the same material found in your hair and nails), probably the result of a minor tumor from being in the sun too long, but what does it matter? A horn is a horn

While you can grow a horn anywhere on your body, they tend to grow more often on the face and hands. The tumors that cause these horns are usually benign, but not always. So while the horn is not technically a health risk, it may speak of a bigger problem. The horn is technically dead material, so it can be easily shaved off by a sterile razor blade, but depending on the type of tumor at the base of the horn, further treatment may be required (radiation, chemotherapy, surgery)

To prevent horn growth, stay out of the sun. Use lots of sunscreen. Keep away from radiation. If you notice any strange growths or discoloration of the skin, have them looked at by a dermatologist or a zoologist

The pictures of people with actual horns were horrific, so I chose a more majestic horned creature instead

OH. MAH. GAWD

I have Cornu Cutaneum

Or maybe it’s just one massive zit…

Nope. Definitely Cornu Cutaneum

 

***Disease breakdown and general humor care of Dennis DiClaudio’s The Hypochondriac’s Pocket Guide to Horrible Diseases You Probably Already Have

Advertisements

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s