Tag Archives: I Have

I Think I Have Cornu Cutaneum

In which you grow a horn, not like a goat, but more like a rhinoceros 

Symptoms:
-itching                         -skin growths

-tenderness                        -warts
-skin discoloration        -horn

Doesn’t it always happen at the worst time? Your big job interview. The crucial first date with that cute girl from the gym. That indictment hearing for massive corporate fraud. You think you’ve got everything under control: the right suit, reservations at a trendy Thai restaurant, falsified expense accounts. Then you look in the mirror on the big day and – boom – you’ve got a horn on your face

Since horns can sometimes grow to several inches in length, they’re pretty hard to cover up. You can try to explain that it’s just a hard, dense, pointy overgrowth of keratin (the same material found in your hair and nails), probably the result of a minor tumor from being in the sun too long, but what does it matter? A horn is a horn

While you can grow a horn anywhere on your body, they tend to grow more often on the face and hands. The tumors that cause these horns are usually benign, but not always. So while the horn is not technically a health risk, it may speak of a bigger problem. The horn is technically dead material, so it can be easily shaved off by a sterile razor blade, but depending on the type of tumor at the base of the horn, further treatment may be required (radiation, chemotherapy, surgery)

To prevent horn growth, stay out of the sun. Use lots of sunscreen. Keep away from radiation. If you notice any strange growths or discoloration of the skin, have them looked at by a dermatologist or a zoologist

The pictures of people with actual horns were horrific, so I chose a more majestic horned creature instead

OH. MAH. GAWD

I have Cornu Cutaneum

Or maybe it’s just one massive zit…

Nope. Definitely Cornu Cutaneum

 

***Disease breakdown and general humor care of Dennis DiClaudio’s The Hypochondriac’s Pocket Guide to Horrible Diseases You Probably Already Have

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I Think I Have Hyperexplexia

Because everything, everywhere, is always shocking

Quiz Yourself:
-Are you easily startled? Most definitely
-Do loud noises cause you to recoil more than they should?
 Loud noises, soft noises, simple touches – I’m a complete mess
-Do your muscles ever clench so tightly that you become all but paralyzed?
Yessir
-What was that noise?
AHHHHHH! Don’t scare me like that!

A sudden loud noise, someone jumping out at you, a polar bear falling through the ceiling and into your living room – all of these things are likely to startle you. And your blood pressure shoots up, you scream, “Ah! A polar bear!” These are all very natural responses to unexpected and irregular stimuli.

But what if your reaction to unexpected and irregular stimuli was a little more…exaggerated? What if every time a door slammed shut, you jumped into the air and jerked your limbs wildly? What if every time the salesman at the clothing store appeared from behind a rack of coats to wish you happy shopping, you screamed bloody murder? What if every time your wife reached out to lovingly touch your shoulder, you froze stiff as a board and tipped over like a falling redwood?

That would be hyperexplexia. And for people who suffer from it, even the smallest of shocks, the lightest of touches will cause an incredibly overblown reaction. In rare cases, the stimulus will cause your muscles to clench up so tightly that you can’t move. You can’t balance yourself. And then comes the slightest breeze and…timber!

Hyperexplexia is a genetic neurological condition, which means that when you hear a door slam, even your DNA gets scared. There is no cure for it, but anti-anxiety and anti-spastic medications may be prescribed to make symptoms more tolerable. And you should probably avoid places like Count Dracula’s Bloody Hellhouse of Horror and Freakatorium

The Witch: A fellow Hyperexplexia sufferer

OH. MAH. GAWD

I have Hyperexplexia

Or maybe…well. Umm. It could be that…erm

You know what? This one is actually plausible. I might really have this.

Fuck.

 

**Disease breakdown and general humor care of Dennis DiClaudio’s The Paranoid’s Pocket Guide to Mental Disorders You Can Just Feel Coming On

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I Think I Have Encephalitis

In which your brain swells up inside your skull

Symptoms

-fever                                –disorientation
headache                    -seizures
loss of appetite         -hearing loss
fatigue                           -hallucinations
lethargy                        -double vision
nausea                          –memory loss
sensitivity to light   –confusion

Have you ever bashed your foot so bad that the skin beneath your ankle grew taut over blood-swelled muscle tissue and you could feel its flesh pressing tightly against the fabric of your shoe? Well, imagine that your foot is your brain and you shoe is your skull. That’s encephalitis

It is an inflammation of the brain. Your brain literally swells up inside your head and it occurs when a virus or bacterial infection in your body spreads to your brain. If you get a bad case of it, the likelihood that you will die is…well, likely. If you do not in fact die, it is possible that you will have lasting brain damage from the pressure of your brain pushing against your skull. And if THAT doesn’t happen, you also have the possibility of getting a neurological disorder (like akinetic mutism). If none of that happens, you will recover. Congratulations

There is really no way of preventing encephalitis except to not contract any of the sicknesses that cause it. Those include but are no limited to the flu, mono, measles, mumps, shingles, whooping cough, herpes simplex, HIV/AIDS, chicken pox, West Nile virus, hepatitis,  hypoglycemia, ebola, Buggy Creek Virus, and Hemagglutinating Virus of Japan…you know, just to name a few. If you manage to do that, you will not contract encephalitis.

OH. MAH. GAWD

I have encephalitis

Or maybe I just drank way too much over the weekend and conveniently forgot to 1) sleep, 2) drink water, 3) eat food, 4) pop some Tylenol, 5) take care of myself at all

….nope. Definitely encephalitis

 

*Disease break-down and general humor care of Dennis Diclaudio’s The Hypochondriac\’s Pocket Guide to Horrible Diseases You Probably Already Have

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I Think I Have Fatal Familial Insomnia

In which you never sleep again

Symptoms:
-insomnia                 -agitation
-dementia                   -hallucinations
-numbness              -skin discoloration
-lack of tears              -phobias
-panic attacks       -incontinence
-loss of speech          -loss of motor skills

Fatal Familial insomnia is a prion disease, related to Cruetzfeldt-Jakob disease, in which rogue proteins turn your brain into a sponge. However, in this case, the part of your brain that is affected is the thalamus, which controls your ability to sleep. You actually lose the ability to sleep, and since your body cannot function without sleep, it starts to fall apart.

You will definitely die, most likely within a year of the onset of symptoms. On the bright side, since you won’t be sleeping through most of that year, it will feel like eternity.

During the first few months, you will experience some insomnia along with panic attacks and strange phobias, such as being afraid of not being able to fall asleep (actually, that’s not so strange, I guess). Then come the hallucinations: Perhaps you’ll see anthropomorphic mice climbing out of the walls to mock you in their nightcaps and dressing gowns. After that comes total insomnia. One day, you wake up, and that’s the last time you ever do that. Your body begins to wither; your brain becomes so exhausted that you slip into total dementia, wandering around your house in a half-dream state, swatting at buzzing bottle-fly alarm clocks that don’t exist. Then you slip into a coma. And then you die. Luckily, by this point, death is probably welcomed.

There is no cure for this. Even sleeping pills don’t work. Doctors think gene-therepy might work, but until that is available for the public to take advantage of, you are up a creek without a paddle.

Since it’s a disease that is inherited, the only way to prevent getting Fatal Familial insomnia is to try not to be related to any relatives who might have it. Good luck with that.

OH. MAH. GAWD

I have Fatal Familial Insomnia

Or maybe it’s the fact that I got up at 1pm today and I’m trying to force myself to sleep only 11 hours later in order for me to get some decent sleep before having to get up at 7am tomorrow morning for work…

Nope. Definitely Fatal Familial Insomnia

 

**Disease break-down and general humor care of Dennis Diclaudio’s The Hypochondriac\’s Pocket Guide to Horrible Diseases You Probably Already Have

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I Think I Have Capgrass Syndrome

Because for all you know, your mother could secretly be a robot

Quiz yourself:
– Do you believe somebody close to you has been replaced by an imposter? Well, now that you mention it…
– How about an alien? That’s entirely possible
– A robot? Oh. That’s a terrifying thought
– A shape-shifting wizard? You really think they exist?
– Can you really tell the difference? Really? No. No, I couldn’t tell the difference. Oh, my God!

Should you find yourself coming down with Capgrass Syndrome, you might begin to suspect that your spouse is an imposter, someone who looks exactly like your wife or husband but is actually just pretending. Alternately, you might become convinced that your child is an alien shape-shifter just waiting to catch you off-guard so it can suck your memory out through your face. Or it could be your dog. Two words: “robot dog.” Think about it

In many cases, the victim of Capgrass Syndrome may simply accept the imposter’s presence. Other times, the perceived switch causes considerable problems. If you’re seriously convinced that somebody took your loved one and replaced him or her with an automated diesel-powered Simubot 3000, you might decide to crack open that Simubot with a kitchen knife and pull out its clockwork gears. Simubots can be put back together; husbands and wives, as a rule, cannot.

It can be brought on by a stroke, drug overdose, blunt trauma to the head, or other events that interfere with emotional exchange mechanisms in the brain. In some cases, it will go away on its own (the brain establishes new connections, or you decide you like the impostor better). Cognitive behavior therapy might help, but if that fails, a strong dose of anti-psychotic meds or a stint with electroconvulsive therapy might be just the ticket to curing Capgrass Syndrome.

The Slitheens - Alien imposters unmasked

OH. MAH. GAWD.

I have Capgrass Syndrome

Or maybe I’ve just been watching way too much Doctor Who. You must admit, with the amount of alien imposters, robot people, Dalek attacks (they’re never going to fucking die, man), and so on and so forth, it’s hard not to be a little bit paranoid about the creepy monotony of day to day life.

….nope. Definitely Capgrass Syndrome

And the first person we’re taking a knife to is Ann Coulter. Tell me you don’t see the similarities between her and the Slitheen. Back to Raxacoricofallapatorian with you, Ann. Leave us be!

 
**Disease break-down and general humor care of Dennis Diclaudio’s The Paranoid\’s Pocket Guide to Mental Disorders You Can Just Feel Coming On

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I Think I Have Kuru

In which you actually will die laughing

Symptoms:

-Lack of coordination        -Headaches
-Tremors                                   -Joint pain
-Slurred speech                   -Depression
-Sporadic laughter             -Incontinence
-Dysphagia

Have you ever laughed so hard, you swore if you hadn’t gone to the toilet a moment before, you would be peeing yourself?

Have you ever laughed so hard, you couldn’t breathe?

Then you must have eaten the flesh of a deceased family member and, in the process, have now contracted Kuru.

Kuru is a incurable degenerative brain disease caused by a prion found in humans. It is characterized by the sporadic bouts of laughter one will exhibit if he has contracted the disease, primarily due to the body’s severe spasms and the emotional instability.

Symptoms start off innocent enough: unsteady stance, slurred speech, lack of muscle control. In short, sickness on par to a night of heavy drinking. Then, more serious symptoms kick in: depression, emotional instability, flu-like symptoms, and terrifying headaches. In the last stage of the disease, sitting without support is impossible, there is no muscle coordination whatsoever, the inability to speak sets in, as well as incontinence and the inability to swallow. You will get sores with pus and necrosis.

And you will be laughing your fucking head off while it happens, too

This disease was made famous by the Fore tribe of the Eastern Highlands Province of Papua New Guinea in the mid 1950s. Mostly women and children were affected by the disease, as they were the ones put to the task of cleaning out the dead of their tribe. They also tended to get the least attractive cuts of the human when the tribe ate the deceased members (the men got the better cuts because they had to go out and hunt. Bastards)

There is one way to prevent Kuru. Do NOT participate in ritual funeral cannibalism. I know it’s disrespectful to decline that tasty, raw brain inside that dead head of your second uncle twice removed, but you have to make up an excuse. You had a big breakfast. You’re off of brain for a little while. You had some bad Chinese the other night and it’s not settling right. Say whatever you have to. Just don’t eat that brain

OH. MAH. GAWD

I have Kuru

Or maybe it’s these:

….yep. Definitely those. Can’t recall eating anybody in the past few years

Unless that chinese pork was actually human being

O_o

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I Think I Have Cotard’s Syndrome

Because if you were dead, would anybody even tell you?


Quiz Yourself:
-Do you sometimes feel pangs of anxiety? Yes
-Do you suffer from waves of guilt or depression? You bet
-Do you find yourself feeling displaced from reality or from your body? Now that you mention it…
-Do you sometimes question your own existence? All the time
-Are you dead? I just very well might be

It is the belief that you are dead, or that you don’t exist, or that your body has dissipated into the universe and is no longer sentient. Or, possibly, that you never existed in the first place. If you’re thinking it doesn’t make sense that a person could believe anything if they weren’t around to believe it, you’re absolutely correct. It doesn’t make sense. But if you don’t exist, what do you know? You’re hardly a reliable source

If you’re suffering from Cotard’s Syndrome, you might feel a complete disconnect between yourself and the world around you. The dining room table beneath your fingers may seem distant, and although you can feel it, you know, deep down that you do not occupy space as it does. Nothing anyone says can shake your fervent belief that you are no more, or perhaps never were.

Many victims of this disease also experience delusions of immortality – reason being if you are dead and still eating cheese and watching The Price is Right, then in some sense you must have traversed, or beaten, death. And if the most exciting thing you can come up with to do after achieving immortality is sit around watching game shows, then the accompanying depression makes a lot of sense.

Electroconvulsive therapy has been shown to work pretty well in getting rid of this. If that’s a little too intense for you, cognitive behavioral therapy, antidepressants, and/or anti-psychotic medication might have some positive effects, but only in rare cases

OH. MAH. GAWD.

I have Cotard’s Syndrome

Or maybe I’m just really bored and restless. Not to mention kinda lonely on this Saturday night/Sunday morning

Nope. Definitely Cotard’s Syndrome

**Disease break-down and general humor care of Dennis Diclaudio’s The Paranoid\’s Pocket Guide to Mental Disorders You Can Just Feel Coming On

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